Keeping the Flames burning in your Marriage

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  1. Open Communication – It is true that you and your partner are one, but remember that your spouse cannot read your heart. It is a common assumption that leaves couples feeling resentment, believing that ‘he / she should have known….’.
Instead of making this supposition, be expressive…say it out….say exactly how you feel. Couples that stay long in love are known to be very open with each other.
For instance, if you feel that you are being starved of sex in your marriage, keeping quiet about it because you do not want to offend your spouse will only make things worse. Aim at finding the right time, the right way and the right words to use, so as to drive your point home while not making your partner feel incapable. Once you get the opportunity, aim well, then shoot. Be specific about what you actually need. Come clear with what you would like him/her to be doing. Recall when you had it good with your spouse, share and relive those moments, tell him/her how much you want those jiffies back into your lives.
Do not say: ‘You always’ or ‘you don’t… instead say things like, ‘I feel good when you…, I felt loved when you….’.
Granted discussing sexual dissatisfaction with ones mate is not an easy nut to crack, there is a strong temptation for the ‘accused’ mate to go ‘defensive’, resulting in more friction.
However, before you proceed with telling your spouse about your sexual dissatisfaction, it is wiser though, to ensure that the present low-sex mode in your relationship is not due to a factor your spouse cannot help, in which case you need lots of patience and empathy e.g. if your mate doesn’t feel like sex because he/she is nursing a sick person, is mourning, taking some medication, has lost employment or is battling depression.
  1. Flirt with your spouse a little – This is important because the actual act is usually better when preceded by eye contacts, skin touch, love messages and so on and so forth. As a guide, ‘sow the seed in the morning, reap at night’. For that reason, as your spouse leaves for work in the morning, part with a passionate hug, a peck or as you like it; this leaves a message, plants a desire, which builds up during the day and climaxes when you reunite later in the day. It is better not to jump into sex simply because you want it….build anticipation for it so that you can have a quality time – out.
  2. Spend time with your spouse – Todays’ world has been designed to distract, take away our attention; a paradigm shift from what ‘matters most’ to vain life. Regrettably, many couples although physically in one room are actually apart tending to the social media needs of far-away friends, acquaintances and workmates. The current trend of reuniting with people ‘I-used-to-know, childhood friends, alumni groups and etcetera’ have been shown to put a huge strain on present day marital relationships. This most often rekindles old crush and gives room for infidelity.
How I do I retrace my steps: Begin with travelling down memory lane, using old photos and video clips. This reminds you of how happy you were when you spent valuable time with your spouse, how unencumbered your lives were when you took on fewer jobs and led a simpler life.
Do chores together. Stroll together. Watch movies together. Gist together. Plan a couple’s get-a-way night.
  1. The Remarkable Power of Touch – One may decide not to discuss about sex with the spouse and still achieve same or even greater response by taking advantage of the power of touch. ‘Touch activates the body’s vagus nerve which is intimately connected with our compassionate response’. ‘Touch always tells the truth’. Touch says that you enjoy the feel of the other person and highlights ‘oneness’ in the most explicable way.
Holding hands while conversing, welcome and good bye hugs, pecks planted on cheeks, all of those send messages to the brain center stimulating compassion, intimacy and fondness. It reassures your mates that he/she is still desired and loved by you.
  1. Improve your body image – This is especially important to women even as it is for men. After completing a cycle of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and nurturing a baby, women often lose their body appeal. It is mostly felt than seen, meaning that you may only need to re-condition your mindset and find new ways to convince yourself that you are still attractive to your spouse. Emotionally intelligent partners are also very supportive in this regard, in that they go out of their way to reassure their spouse that regardless of her new body, she is still very much attractive to him.
However, more may be needed in order to reclaim your self- confidence….EXERCISE, EXERCISE and EXERCISE. Regular moderate exercise releases ‘feel-good’ endorphins that will fire up your mood put you in the mood. Exercise produces surge in energy, helps to ward off anxiety and improves overall body flexibility and agility. Exercise has also been shown to increase body sensitivity to touch and other signaling mechanisms.
  1. Be flexible and Open to Changes – Our sexual preferences are not cast in stone. As a matter of fact, they change over time and vary as we mature in mind and in body. Hence, both spouses should be willing to make adjustments to meet the changing sexual needs of each other. For example, a young lady marries at 23, and feels satisfied with her husband’s present proficiency level with regards to marital intimacy, this though may change over time resulting to feelings of dissatisfaction. As a man approaches 40 years of age and beyond, he may start feeling brand new in many ways, and this alone may redefine his sexual needs. This events need not strain a marriage if both partners work at growing up together as one.
  2. Invest in your relationship…Like a savings bank account, make frequent deposits more than you are making withdrawals. Give unselfishly and unconditionally to your spouse, yes! to your relationship, asking for nothing in return. In time, you would have built a huge reserve of affection and tenderness, such that momentary stress, financial low, losses e.t.c. will not easily come in between your joy as a couple. Do not leave your marital relationship to chance.Also see

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